In this interview with MOTUNRAYO JOEL, 90-year-old Moses Agbonjinmi and his wife, 86-year-old Elizabeth, share the secrets of their 63-year-old marriage
When were you born and where did you have your education?
Husband: I was born on September 5, 1923 in Igbajo, Osun State. I attended a government school in Igbajo from 1932 to 1938, I can’t remember the name. I was unable to proceed to secondary school because the money needed to fund my education wasn’t available .
Wife: I was born in 1927. I had my primary education at Igbajo too but did not attend secondary school.
What is the secret of your successful marriage?
Husband: Our secret is that we understand each other well. Whatever I like, she also likes and vice versa. We are deeply in love and she knows what gets me upset. When I make a decision on an issue, she doesn’t object. She respects me. I can proudly say that we are united. We don’t disagree or have arguments. Our marriage has been peaceful since we met. To have a happy marriage, you must marry someone that you understand. Understanding in marriage is important. It is also important that the couple must be genuinely in love with each other. These are the important ingredients of marriage that we have kept intact. They are the secrets of our union for many decades.
Wife: For me, it is honesty. Aside the fact that we understand each other, we also trust each other. This is the basic thing that has kept us together. Before I take any decision, I must seek the advice of my husband. If he is not at home, such decisions must wait until he returns home. I know my husband’s body language, so when I notice that he is not looking happy, I ensure that I make him happy by touching his heart and discussing the issue that is giving him sadness.
So you don’t have disagreements?
Husband: We have never quarrelled. I have never quarrelled with her up till date. This is because we understand each other.
What are some of the challenges you faced in your marriage?
Husband: We faced many challenges, but the one that really shook my wife and I was when I became partially blind. This was in 1988; I had to depend on her for virtually everything. It was hard adjusting at the initial stage, but we managed to sail through the storm. It almost affected our marriage, but at the end of the day we became closer and our love was strengthened.
Wife: Another challenge we faced was when we were waiting from a second child. I think it took about a year or two before we had our second child. The wait was a long one for me.
What is it about your husband that has kept you in love?
Wife: He is a man of his words, he doesn’t lie to me. If he tells me that he will be at a particular place, I trust he will be there and not somewhere else. He is trustworthy. Since I married him, I’ve never doubted my love and trust for him. My husband hardly makes decisions without consulting me.
Husband: Her looks. Till today, she still looks beautiful in my eyes. I also love her godly character. I couldn’t have asked for a better wife. She is respectful and caring.
What memorable experiences do you share?
Husband: The most memorable was when we had our first child. We were so excited. We had a big party to celebrate her birth.
Wife: The birth of our first child brought joy to our home.
Do you use the three letter words, ‘I love you?’
Husband: Yes, I still tell her I love her. I say it verbally and through my actions. She knows I love her dearly.
Who was your first girlfriend?
Husband: My wife was my first girlfriend.
Who was your first boyfriend?
Wife: My husband was my first too.
What mistakes do men commit when they are searching for wives?
Husband: Some men are only attracted to a lady because of her physical features. They don’t take time to know the character of the lady. I always tell youths, especially men, that the period of courtship is very important. You don’t just see a beautiful woman and marry her immediately. Beauty alone shouldn’t be the reason for choosing a wife. Men who jump into marriage will not be happy at the end and when joy is missing in a relationship, it’s a waste of time.
What is your advice to young couples?
Husband: They should be able to compromise and understand each other, internally and externally. Another important thing couples must know is that once a third party comes into your marriage, that marriage will never be the same. So, couples should avoid involving a third party, no matter what transpires between husband and wife.
How long was your courtship before you decided to walk down the aisle?
Husband: We courted for four years before tying the knot. When we met for the first time in 1947, I was struck by her character. It was my cousin that introduced her to me. I actually complained to my cousin that I was ready to get married but didn’t have anyone to marry. He then informed me that he had a friend who would be my perfect match. One day, he took me to her house, I was a bit nervous meeting her but I had to put up a front.
Did you fall in love with your husband the first time you met?
Wife: The first time I saw him was in a picture, but I was a bit skeptical accepting him as a friend, because back then, one couldn’t trust pictures. But when I saw him face-to-face, I was happy. He met my expectations.
So, did your wife welcome you with open arms?
Husband: I was very lucky; she welcomed me well with groundnuts (he laughs). In our time, when a man goes to visit a woman, she offers him groundnut. I guess the use of groundnut had a secret meaning. But I was happy she did.
Were you financially buoyant when you got married?
Husband: No, I wasn’t. I just had a little money I had saved up from my shoe making business, but it wasn’t much. My wife and I started life together from the scratch. I was a shoe maker and she was a petty trader, but love is what keeps us together.
Do you help your wife in the kitchen?
Husband: Of course, I help my wife in the kitchen. Till today, I pound yam for her. I sweep and clean the house. Whenever she is too tired to cook, I do the cooking. A man has to always assist his wife in the kitchen. I take pride in helping her in the kitchen. It’s in our culture to do things together always.
What is your husband’s best food?
Wife: He likes pounded yam with egusi soup. And that is my best food too.
What is the secret of your longevity?
Husband: I thank God for good health. I enjoy walking; I could trek for miles without getting tired. Some weeks ago, I trekked from Lagos Island to Ipaja.
Is that so?
Yes, I trekked from Lagos Island to Ipaja. Trekking is one of my hobbies, I do it with pleasure. That is part of what has kept me fit. I also eat good food and I don’t smoke. I take little alcohol but it’s not to the extent that I get drunk. I also farm once in a while.
Wife: I enjoy trekking too. I also enjoy singing and dancing. You can’t catch me idle, I’m either singing or dancing.
Where did both of you work?
Husband: After my primary school education, I went into farming. I used to help my dad take care of his cocoa farm until 1941 when my father died. After that, I moved into shoe making. I learnt this skill from a cousin. Then in 1969, I gained employment as a teacher. I was placed on Grade 3. In 1971, I was promoted to Grade 2. I retired as a teacher in August 1984. Since then, I’ve been on my own, doing some petty works here and there.
Wife: When I finished my primary education, I learnt sewing, but I also had some petty businesses by the side.
How would you describe the Nigeria of your days?
Husband: Nigeria was a good nation. Corruption wasn’t as prominent as it is now and the people feared God. Everything was working well. Our education sector was sound. But now, things have changed. This is because the leaders are not helping us. What bothers me now is the lack of honesty of our leaders. They have failed to provide the basic amenities and infrastructure for our people. We don’t have leaders who are ready to help the country provide things like water, electricity, good roads and adequate health care system.
Wife: We enjoyed living in Nigeria. Our country was better than what we have today. Food items were very cheap. But today, things are so expensive. One goes to the market and spends so much money to buy little things.
Can you recall some of the social activities you did during your days as youths?
Husband: I enjoyed farming and I still do. Aside this, I enjoy reading. I don’t have a particular type of book I read, I just read anything that I can lay my hands on. I was a quiet young man, so I didn’t engage in rigorous activities like my other friends.
Wife: I wasn’t involved in any social activity. I got used to staying at home with my parents who taught me so many things about womanhood and taking care of the home.
What do you do before going to bed?
Husband: We always go to bed at the same time. But before we go to bed, we always pray together. I don’t think we have ever slept without praying together.
How did you train your children?
Husband: My wife and I with the help of God trained our children up to university level. It wasn’t easy because we weren’t so rich. I was a teacher at that time, so with the little money I made as salary, I would invest into my children’s education. It was a beautiful experience. We are grateful to God that our children are successful. Some of my children are teachers, banker, and businessmen. I must appreciate their mother, she was helpful a great deal, nothing ever occupied her time. She was always there for our children.
Wife: Like my husband said, it wasn’t easy training six children. We did it with the help of God. My husband was a teacher and I was a food vendor. I would go round schools selling food. The little money I made from my business was used to support my husband in training our children. I couldn’t leave the whole burden to him. It wasn’t so easy training six children, but I thank God. Most, if not all the money I made from my business went to my children’s education. Every year, I bought clothes and shoes for them and organised Christmas parties for them.
What comparison would you draw from the values youths of your time had and those of today?
Husband: In our days, youths were hardworking and also contented. We knew that there was time for everything. We weren’t money-conscious. But today, youths are too money-conscious. What they are to achieve in 10 years, they will want to get it now. They are impatient. In my time, respect was important. Youths valued their culture and traditions but now, it’s the opposite.